"Today, July 26th, 2009, my faith has been renewed.
Tom and I had a hard time in 2008. Two miscarriages that shook us harder than I think either of us really knew at the time. Coming to service became so hard, and “not worth it” in our eyes. It was like we felt God had not tried for us, so why should we try for him?
It didn’t take us very long to decide we didn’t want to try again for children in 2008; obviously 2008 was not the “Year of the Baby” for us. We slipped into what I truly believe was mild depression. We hid from a lot of our feelings. We still spent time with our friends and family that we love dearly, we still had a great relationship, but, to me, it always seemed like we were skating on a thin layer of ice, and we were always fearful of falling through. We skirted around certain topics because it was hard. God and babies became some of those topics.
Around Christmas time in 2008, we decided we needed to begin bettering ourselves. Not so much for anyone else, but for ourselves. We began eating better and exercising January 2, 2009. We have been going strong for almost 8 months. We have lost 75 pounds each, 150 total! We are hoping to celebrate 100 pounds lost, each, around. It’s been a process; one, in which, we have learned will power, self-control, self-discipline, and something we thought we had already learned: open-ness.
Throughout the months, we have pushed each other, we have celebrated milestones for each other, and we have cried with each other. We have always had an extremely close relationship, always talking, always sharing our feelings, I didn’t feel like we hid anything from each other – but mile after mile that we walked, pound after pound that we shed, we talked. We have opened up more in the past eight months than I thought possible.
The more open I felt with Tom, the more open I felt with God. Surely, He knew what He was doing when he put Tom and me in the same dorm. Surely, He knew what He was doing, when we grew to be friends, and then began a relationship. Surely, He knew what He was doing, when he gave Tom the inspiration to propose. Surely, He knew what He was doing, as he gave us the strength and courage to speak our vows, to promise ourselves to each other. Then surely, He knew that Tom and I together could handle the trials he gave us.
And we have.
In the past month, Tom and I have been discussing religion, God, and church, but probably most frightening: the possibility of trying to get pregnant again. We plan on waiting until after we hit our 100 pound goal, because of health reasons. We want to be healthy, to make it, hopefully, an easier pregnancy.
We have been so scared. The closer the goal becomes, the more nervous, the more burdened we, both, have felt. We are scared, not just about the prospect of having a child, but with our medical history, and the worry that it will be hard for us, financially, to support a child. My sister has always told me “If you wait until you can afford to have a child, you’ll never have kids.” We know this is true, but it still a fear.
Today’s sermon at Peace Lutheran Church in Conway, hit me like a Mack Truck. "Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell the storm how big your God is." That was the message that rang out, loud and clear, in my mind. No matter what your fears are, God can handle them. No matter your worries, give them to God. It reminded me of something I'd heard in the past: "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it." Needless to say, I was in tears through the entire sermon.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Poor Tom, when he noticed I was crying, he thought I was upset. But, it wasn’t that. It really hit home. It is hard to put into words how it made me feel. Lighter? Less burdened? Less troubled? Yes and no. I still have fears, I still have worries, but I know if I bring it to Him, He will guide me.
His message has renewed my faith."
[This was taken almost word for word from an email I sent to our Pastor today. The Gospel reading and his sermon rocked me to my core. We are still scared about the possibility of becoming pregnant in the future. But, this message will stay with me for quite some time.]